Hey girly... long time. Sorry to hear that things aren't going so good. It's not with me either.

Jeremy and I we're getting along for a while there and then when the weekend comes he goes out with his friends and stays out till 4 or 5 in the morning. He says one thing and does another. I love him so much but I just feel that he is walking all over me. Taking advantage of me. I don't know what to do becasue I love him so much but when he's out with his friends it feels like I don't matter to him anymore. I'm just some chick who is living with him, not his girlfriend.

I try to talk to him about this stuff and about how I feel and it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. And it just seems like he is making excuses. I know he's lying some of the time but to avoid a fight at times I just let it go. I don't know how to tell him that I want him to be more romantic and do new things in bed to. But he just doesn't want to do it either.

I have VERY LOW self esteem so I feel that he is the best I'm going to find. I'm not a size 2 and that scares me. I'm 23 and I feel that I am ready to get married and maybe have kids. Yeah I'm young but I've wanted this for a long time. I'm not sure if I would make a good mom or not but to just have something to love more then life its self would be nice.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose him but I need him to change. I need him to respect me and love me. Not just use me for money and s..x. I really do hope we can work things out but I'm not sure it will becasue of him. He doesn't like change. Or atleast that's what it seems like to me.

Hope things get better for you. I love ya and keep in touch!

I wish I could say something that would help you but I can't. I don't know what to say. There are no easy solutions to what you're going through. I'm not married but if it helps any I am going through something similar. Try to hang in there. Take care.

Chad

Aloha,

Sorry he did not fix you problem but I think that is the problem. You are looking for another person to fullfill you but you need to love and fulfill yourself then you can enjoy your time with another person. Also you would have had a hard time enjoying him if your mind was not into it. He made you think he was dumn and hence unatractive. Once you are not attracted it can't be good. Believe me I know. Been there. If I don't feel love for my wife it just aint the same. I hope you find what your looking for out there. you are an amazing woman. Any man would be lucky to have even a moment with you. Good luck.

Thanks for the information. Talk to you soon.

Chad

I'm sorry that your family is so dysfunctional. It makes my family look normal, if that's possible.......lol. I hope this comment didn't offend you. If it did, I apologize. Take care.

Chad

they are both the f***ing same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am glad that B is beggin he needs to do alot of it ...lmao!!!!!!!!

I will email you a longer report hahahahahahahahahahahahaah

it is all fo sho they do the exact same things

take care

tosn of love

Cool entry

I like to see you so positive

about John ..well I am just worried over you and him  but then again  being sexually  frustrated in a way  is just NOT GOOD and NOT FAIR!!!!!

I understand that part about wanting a really good one  sooo, have fun

tight hugs

I cant wait to get your email

tons of love

c.

I hope you had a good vacation. I think all the things you want to do sound cool. I like the pics, especially the first and last ones, and the one of the tattoo. Take care.

Chad

super tight hugs

I cant wait to get your email

take care hun

They are awesome  arent they ...they are really a piece of work!!!!  a**h***s the pair!!!!!

I have been thinking and I have managed to start getting over him, it has been difficult but part of me will always love him and theres a part of me that justwants to forget.

As soon as they feel we are letting go that is when they strike back...grrrr

tons of love

but in the end we will be ok without them and we will get over them

I hope you can work all this out in your head. Take care.

Chad

I am so happy for you me on the other hand ...not doing so good ...this time it is the end and he had the final laugh.

I will write to you

tight hugs

much love

It sounds like you had a lot of fun.  I am glad that you had a better time on the subway than i did.  I absolutely hated it.  Maybe because we were travelling on it very late.  It was not as pleasant. 

aww hun

my heart goes out to you

I hate seeing you so sad

but maybe this pain you are feeling might help...oh sorry I think I just had a mental fart...pain never helps... you love them for many different reasons but Who is the one that makes you smile  for no reason at all??

email me hun and we can talk more

my baby is different and hopefully it will stay that way

tight  hugs

mucho love

I hope you feel better and things get better for you. Take care.

Chad

I know J and I have thought alot about it...the twins cant be trusted

take care email me soon

tight hugs

tons of love

Have a good time in NY! See ya when you get back. Take care,

- Chris

Hey girl. That is what I'm saying. He puts his phone on vibrate so he can "feel it" yeah right... grrr I hate boys sometimes...

Love the dancing girl and thanks for the perotion comment to

xoxoxox

heather

nice pics in the entry ...

This was supposed to be YOUR FUN trip...argh..bleh

I say ditch them all and enjoy yourself

if the twin f***s up I will castrate his stupid ass!!

xoxoxo

You're welcome. Have fun in NY but be careful. Take care.

Chad

There is nothing wrong with wanting to see the sights.  Why weren't you able to go on the tour?

I will be honest and ask you why would your mother-in law go?  Since you said she is controlling I have a feeling she invited herself. 

I hope you had fun!

 Wow. What a beautiful little girl. She is the picture of Innocense. A model of perfection. I was never a little girl, but I would like to think that I too was perfect once. But I guess like everyone else, I have become and old piece of furniture thats only place is in the Burn pile. But once I had smooth corners. just like that little girl. Once I was perfect.

 Sorry if I got off topic. You should believe in that little girl inside of yourself. Let that girl shine through you, and you will shine brighter than the evening star. For the child inside of us, is the moist clay that keeps us from drying up and crumbling to dust. On the outside is our fortress. On the inside, is our gold.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. God is not punishing you, trying to teach you something maybe, but not punishing you. Take care.

Chad

aww hun

hugs you tight

we are feeling the same way today..it is soo damn difficult

I just emailed you!!!!  I was thinking about us and the twins and then I read your comment

we love too deeply, and we do so because we feel that love is missing in our lives despite of our family  and stuff

what are we going to do?

xoxoxo

I hope things get better.

Take care.

Chad

wow hun

I am very worried about you.  Not only do you have to deal with the twin (he and his twin are acting the same way) and his games and stupidity but now hubby is going  nuclear.

I dont know him but I know that doing that at that time is crazy and unexcusable!!  he shouldnt say those things.  We should praise our kids not put them down.

The amount of stress you are dealing with is what is making you sick.  Quit smoking that will only make things worse!!

You should go to NY alone!!!!  I know it is unrealistic but you do need time for you!!!

tons of love

xoxo

c.

Thanks for the comment. I knew you would understand my situation. you are one of the most passionate ladies on here. It just seems to be such a waste that some one with so much love and passion has no one that appreciates it. I see it in your writings and I appreciate it. I also envey the men in your life. They are stupid to not see what we all see. their loss. Hang in there. Good luck.

[hawaiiguy]

RYN: Thank you!

"Thank goodness for this diary." Same here, I was just telling someone how I think this diary saved my life. If I didn't have the support I have now from here, I'd probably be dead. Seriously. You know?

You need to imagine a peaceful place and go there whenever things start to get to you, if possible. It helps. Thanks for your comment.

Chad

Whoa, you have A LOT of anger, man!

I would NOT want to work where you do, sounds stressful! YOU sound stressed!

You're right, you don't need her BS.

Why doesn't B just give up?

Wow  hun

YOU NEED THOSE 2 WEEKS OFF ASAP!!!!!!

I had to make that entry because I just have to see and think how to move on.  It is getting to be too much.  I love the stupid a**h*** to death.  I really do, but I cant keep this ¨relationship¨ like it is.  It is too much.

You need to get another job because to me it seems that this one is sucking the life out of you.  Also I think hubby needs to get a chill pill or just be quiet.  That sh*t will rub on he kids, and depression can start young.

tons of love

c.

Aloha,

Change is hard but nessasary. Just remmeber that which does not kill us makes us stronger. it maybe hard and uncomfortable to move up but you will survive and thrive.

Thanks for leaveing a comment. I enjoy your details too. I hope my entry got you going like your stories do for me. I would love to put a face to the fantacies I have had about you so if you would like to just shoot me a private picture in case you don't want to put your face on the public site my email is danehil2@aol.com . Hope ot hear from you soon.

[hawaiiguy]

Thanks for you comment. Change  is not necessarily a bad thing. I'd take the position. If it doesn't work out you can always go elsewhere for a job. Good luck with whatever you decide. Take care.

Chad

Dont feel bad hun and dont be afraid to take up on the new position.  I think that you can take on any job you have to.  You are strong and I know you can do it.  You see so sad lately and I am worried about you.  Sometimes we feel like we havent done anything but we have.

I do feel guilty for hardly for the cold way I treated him ..I love him so much it hurts.  But I had to show him that I have a backbone, I had to show him that it isnt ok for him to disappear on me for that long time.

I know that he has realized that he can lose me and I know that upset him. 

tons of love

I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now.  It is not a terrible thing to be afraid of things, including change.  I can tell you that your gut is probably correct in that you can NOT trust Janet.  I bet I can place good odds on that she probablly talks about you behind your back. 

Regardless, think very hard on it before making a decision and if you think you could live with it if you had to even long term. 

Reason I say this is because I had a job that I hated but stayed due to a very serious disease that I found out that I have.  I had never had any serious problems beyound the flu before and felt scared to leave because the position I held was well over one year and HAD to allow FMLA for me.

The ONLY thing I can tell you for sure are these things:

Your family loves you.

Do what you can to make yourself happy in this world.  This is not a dress rehearsal, there are no second takes. 

Thanks for the Father's Day wish. Take care.

Chad

RYNs: Oh, thanks for explaining that.

Thanks for that video! I loved it, expecially that first move they did, and the whole thing was sweet actually.

Are you feeling better now? Hope so. Take care,

- Chris

[MsChrispy]

Anger is good....in a way...it helps us focus and forget the mushy love feeling.

I am sooo pissed off right now

tons of love

You're welcome and thank you for your comment. Talk to you soon.

Chad

This may sound hollow, but hang in there. Things will get better.

Chad

who cares what others think...it is your diary!!!! the twins are wreaking havoc in our lives lately again it seems.. what are we going to do?  It isnt easy to let go as we both know.  It isnt easy to heal as we are finding out.  so when all else fails  we take drastic measures but what are those measures?

send me an email

tight hugs

I like the forecast. Hang in there. Relief will come.

Chad

aww hun

that sucks!!!!!

geesh it is hotter than down here wow!!!

I hope you get your ac running soon

Pls dont melt!!!

tons of love

HAHA, that pic is funny!

Wow, that SUCKS! I hope they fix your A/C soon.

RYN: I did tell her I would really really miss her, but she said she HAS to do it. She's on probation and is about to go to rehab or DH/jail and she HATES our Ma, thinks everything is unfair and thinks the world is out to get her. Thanks for the note!

- Chris

I hate it when they do that to me to. And he says that theres nothing that he can do about it and that pisses me off even more when there is a girl here who isn't getting full time hours and yet there's nothing he can do about huh... my ass

UGH.... I think you did right eventhough it hurts...apparently the calling roles hve reversed,  Z is back to being  dick this week...sighs...lets skin them  both..lol

I hope you got my email.

tons of love

c.

Nice decorations! Sounds like you had a great birthday!

RYN: Thank you!

Have a good one.

- Chris

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Sounds like you had a good day!!=) Another year, a new view on life. The pact was ultra sweet! sounds like you love him so don't ruin it with B!

Support+Love, Chloe xxxxxxxxxxxx

ok we can do this

question is do you have a myspace???

if not let me know so I can give you my email address but be sure to delete it as soon as you see it.

turns out that the person that told him what I write on my diary is an mdd admin.

love you tons

You're welcome and good luck. Let me know if I can do anything else to help you. Take care.

Chad

By the way, you said you wish you could go to an AA meeting. Why can't you? There's an 800 number in the phone book no matter where you live for AA. Just call it and ask where there's a meeting that's open to the public in your area. You can also go to a closed meeting(closed meaning only people who have a true desire to stop drinking) You don't have to say you're an alcoholic or anything, you don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to. It's all up to you. If you don't want to say anything, just say so if anyone calls on you. Anyway, I'm not trying to pressure you, just giving you some info so you can decide what you want to do. Take care.

Chad

If you really want to use the principles of AA in your life but don't want to go to an AA meeting, look the 12 steps of AA up online, that will help. Also it wouldn't hurt to get the AA Big Book, the AA "bible". It's a thick blue book. You can probably get it in just about any book store, or you can get one at an AA meeting. It may not be a bad idea to go to one, maybe you'll hear something you can use. It's up to you though. Hope this helped you. By the way, I've been sober for 21 years, it can be done. Let me know if I can do anything else for you.

Chad

P.S. Very good and very creative poem.

aww J, you and I are soo much alike.  Distance did help but to be honest with you it is up to you.  First of all hun both of us need to realize that any guy would be thrilled and feel lucky to have us.  Dont be embarrssed J.  Overweight we can deal with that, hair and makeup as well, and clothes too.  This will be a 10 step progress ok and it will deal only with you after these 10 steps  we will deal with B the a**h***.

1. lets get your hair done.  trust me that will make a wonderful start.

2. lets work on the weight, not starving ourselves but ditching certain things that harm us ( to begin with no alcohol or pot)

I wish I could be closer to you so we could hang out.  Well I will let you know as soon as I get to VA.

tell me how our 10 step program for j works

tons of love

pls dont be sad hun in the end you will be the winner

hugs

Now in regards to B. DO NOT talk on the phone with him. Do not argue with him over the phone.  Hang up if it is him.  Do NOt give him a minute of your time.

[ladyofthelake]

...hugs you tight...

he is under your skin, you are inlove my dear J.  First of all , your appearance is bugging you cuz you are depressed, so lets do something about it.  Go get your nails done, your eyebrowns done, dye your hair, cut it do something that will change the way you look,  I know it might sound ridiculous but those little things might help.

I am under the spell of my beloved Z as well...just waiting to see if he f***s up again.

one thing is for sure we both need to toughen our hearts, how will we do it J?

tons of love

aww hun

I know it isnt much  but I send you tight hugs

I understand why you feel like this

tons of love

Hey thats a wonderful article, thanks for sharing it on here.

yeah, friends always make one happy!

They make life a little more interesting.

...lost here...

how was your weekend J.?

hugs

I have been talking all day at different times with Z...lol

I should write an entry about it...

he wrote me another message here it is...

hey sweetie im sorry to hear that your sick and i hope that you get to feeling better. anyways i jsut wanted to tell you that ill be home all day tomorrow so give me a call lol. prefferably during the morning/afternoon. love you baby

oh well he makes my heart beat  fast

hugsss

Join my club!! I am so freekin bored myself as well but I wont read his message or call him...lol

What are you doing for the weekend?

hugs

awww satin sheets

sooo dreamy  and sensual

z wanted us to et black ones ..lol

hugs

he asked me for a favor a while back I think he wants an answer

[ladyofthelake]

Hi,

I have read your diary a few times but never commented.  I am married too but i am a newlywed but i have been inlove with my husband since i was a little girl and he was my first .  If i may make a suggestion.  Have you really tried giving your husband a chance. I know maybe you have both done things that have torn your relationship apart and caused problems but think about it.  He has stuck around through all of it and so have you.  Let go fo the past, dont dwell on it.  Don't dwell on past lovers either, including B.  Let the past be the past.  Concentrate on your framily and yourself and you will see that things will fall into place.  Think about it. 

please J

let me castrate that f***er, I promise you get to watch!!!!

---insert evil laugh here----

then we can both go shopping and have a great time

or maybe we can give him a face mask with feet cream ..lol

all my love and support

hugs

go back and reread the comment after yours mib2u thats my clone a very very dear friend of mine

and once again how and where can i make the dummies book like yours dealing With Briscoe for Dummies one????

hugs

Thanks for the comment. I hope you're right. I'm talking to her right now and it's a pleasant enough conversation but If I even can make things right, it's going to take a monumental effort on my part. A miracle wouldn't hurt either. That might be just what it's going to take. Take care.

Chad

how do you prepare for the unknown?? well hun just buckle up and be positive

I am sure your future will be awesome

btw I loved the dummies thing where can I make one like that??

work and house work can be really overwhelming stay strong

tons of love

c.

drink the tea, exercise a bit, rest and i hope you feel better  but pls go to the drs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tight hugs

awww they are adorable!!!!!

happy mothers day sweetie I am sorry that I was late

I feel so bad for you , it sounds to me like you are deeply depressed

take care hun pls go to the dr and eff B.

tight hugs

tons of love

Oh J . I am so worried about you.  I understand how you feel cuz I sometimes feel like that as well.  I have felt trapped by being a mom and not being able to do more stuff.  It is ok hun maybe you just need some J time.  About B  I also understand you...it has lost its appeal hasnt it.  Something has finally got to us and they have lost their appeal, they re there just not as apetizing as before.

I think that you need to have some alone time...just you.

take care hun

much love

c.

Thanks for the comment. Sometimes I wonder if people really are impacted by what I say on here. Take care.

Chad

I am not sure why we  are here... sometimes I think we re here just to suffer!

hugs

That's an interesting way of looking at life.

Chad

Dreams and their interpretations are interesting. If I could remember more of mine, maybe they would make more sense to me. Last night, I dreamt about my once best friend. She was back in the apartment she lived in through high school, even though the apartment is no longer there. I'm only 30 minutes from there. When she opened the door she was taller than I am which is impossible, I always had a foot of height on her. Weird dream. As far as the woman who thinks I'm handsome goes, I haven't seen her again yet. Take care.

Chad

I am bored as well.  I hate being used.

B is just off the charts

But stay strong girl

hatred is never good it poisons us so let it all out

tons of love

wow hun I´d hate to be in your shoes.

It is scary hun now that John is getting out on September.

I really dont know what to tell you, the only thing is that one of them has to go.

The only  thing that comes to my head is seeing B getting beat up by J. but at the same time that aint funny.

B is an a**h***!!!He would deserve it tho.

tight hugs

much love

hey J

you havent updated in a couple of days and i ws wondering if you were ok?

hugs

Tell security guard boy that you don't like him invading your space and your privacy. If that doesn't work turn up the heat a little more. I have the same problem with one of my roommates, he's slow and he waits for me before he does anything, like he needs my permission. Some days he just royally pisses me off, I try to let it go because he can't help it, but It doesn't always work. Other than that, just walk away if you can and breathe. Take care.

Chad

B is starting to become a pest.!!!!

That guy that works with you is a spaced cadet, he needs to get his act together

tight hugs

And Thank you again Take care.

Chad

Thank you for the comment, it wasn't too long and you said some things that I needed to hear. I just want the pain to stop. Sorry my reply was so short. Thank you again.

Chad

My dearest roomie at the addiction clinic,

Vengence sounds great!!!

I know that it isnt a good idea to live near him but the way I see it sometimes is that I get to experience first hand his interaction with everyone myself included at a daily basis, (for a longer period of time not just a month or a weekend) having an upclose and personal so called relationship, that way when he f***s up  cuz I know he will there will be no excuse and like the song says it´s too late to apologize..it´s too late...the final opportunity after that he meets the biatch in me and then goodbye.

The twins are so scary...they really do have their sh*t all over the place, the only difference is that my twin doesnt have anyone else, I am completely sure of that.

After all this is done we will both need a vacation...two girls, drinks, good cry and good laughs then we can do a ritual (preferably with massive amounts of alcohol,at a nightclub)to exorcise the memories of the infamous twins.

Or maybe we should go cavewomen on them and beat their stupid asses!!!

tons of love

c.

Aloha,

I think your problem is that you start to eat and you forget about moderation. You need to be careful each and every time you go to indulge yourself. You can't have cake every day three times a day. That is just not good for you. Just be mare careful and always enter the room with eyes wide open so you don't get caugh off guard by a booby trap.

ok all that talk about food  got me wanting some coldstone icecream cake

What can I say the twins must trully be some kind or scrumptious feast that makes us drool and want it no matter the bruises.

I think our addiction is a mix of three things...things to be scared of cuz in the middle of that mix is  the dreaded L word, yes sad but true we love that food therefore we cant think clear.  Add a high sweet dose of lust then we add a good dose of stubborness and there we go we have the recipe for our  addiction.

I have decided that I will not resist the lure of my feast and I will devour It for as long as I can before I crash and burn...I KNOW NOT  GOOD ADVICE.

No lets say that we want to resist this addiction, then my dear J we need to run away from it without ever looking back and ignoring the smell and the taste and how good it looked.

Needless to say we are over our heads on this matter.

tons of love

hugs

your roomate in the addiction clinic

i did a trip down to florida one year from massachusetts, and you're not kidding about those carolina state cops.  they were EVERYWHERE out there.  i didn't get 3 tickets though.  lol.

sounds like you had a wonderful time out there with the kids. 

Wow a couple of speeding tickets huh..that sounds just like what would have happened to me ..lol. 

You are right about the people in VA... cold and boringgggg...no offense to anyone but that is sooo true.

I cant wait to hear about the B saga.  I havent heard from Z in over a week. :(

I am glad that you got to spend time with your mom and had a great time.

Take care hun

tight hugs

update soon!!!

love

c.